i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
BRING THE BAGELS
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
