bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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