then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
