does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
