I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
