hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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