She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
