So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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