Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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