We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
