What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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