I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
