the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
