I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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