My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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