Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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