I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
