I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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