You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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