Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
