Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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