The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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