A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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