Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
