It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
