You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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