I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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