It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
oh god was she eating orange peels again
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
