DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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