I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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