It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
