not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My bed smells like the plague
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
