I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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