im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
