my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
