proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the day after is always just damage control
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
