i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
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Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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