Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
