The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
