I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
