Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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