mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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