i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
