i permit you to call me
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
