Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
