My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
