Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
