my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
