Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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