Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
