My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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