Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
