sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
