I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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