Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i was born a porn star she said
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
