he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize