Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
